156 - The Faculty Meeting

The Faculty Meeting
By Charles M. Nielsen

Setting: A Protestant seminary in the near future. It is 5:00 a.m. The faculty members are slinking down the corridors like tenth century monks fleeing the Vikings. There are no Vikings living in the seminary, but there are students. Why is the faculty hiding from them? Because it intends to assemble illegally, that is, without the students (who constitute the majority of the voting members), and at an irregular hour. (The stated time for faculty meetings is, of course, Sunday morning at 11:00. The notices for illegal meetings are sent out one day in advance and simply read: "collegium illicitum").

The professors and administrators head for a room directly behind the chapel where they are least likely to be found. As they pass the crèche with Rosemary's Baby at the center, they try to remember the password: in pote hote ouk èn. Some of them even know what it means. Last to enter is the Professor of Dead and Irrelevant Languages who stabs himself with procaine before all faculty gatherings. He was brought to the seminary twenty years ago to give historical Christianity equal time among all the competing ideologies. He had, of course, been chosen with exceeding great care to make sure he would not be too popular and thus give Christianity an unsporting advantage. The selection bad proved to be highly satisfactory in that he had had no students at all for nineteen years and had become rather withdrawn. For instance, he would never sit during faculty meetings but would inevitably curl up on a couch in the fetal position and mutter, "I am the logos endiathetos." Once the Professor of the Influence of Early Toilet Training on

Charles M. Nielsen is Professor of Historical Theology at Colgate Rochester Divinity School. A graduate of Reed College and Union Theological Seminary, New York, he has contributed to a number of journals in both serious and satirical veins.

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Church School Behavior, who never despaired of getting a theological education, asked the meaning of logos endiathetos. "It is," answered the Professor of Dead and Irrelevant Languages, with a tired sneer, "to be distinguished from both the logos prophorikos and the logos spermatikos, and in Latin is closer to ratio than sermo. Does that answer your question?" "Thank you ever so much," said the Professor of the Influence of Early Toilet Training on Church School Behavior, writing it all down incorrectly.

Now it was time for the meeting to start. "Shall we," said the President, slipping back temporarily into an antiquated thought pattern, "begin with a moment of prayer?"

"To whom?" asked the Dean. "You will remember the last time we tried staying together by praying together several years ago there was a perfectly dreadful faculty riot over the question whether or not prayer was possible, appropriate, meaningful, and/or relevant. I even seem to remember that someone tried to strangle a visiting Anglican dignitary with his own rosary. At any rate, several faculty members felt strongly that corporate prayer compromised their freedom, intelligence, and integrity. When they threatened to appeal to the Supreme Court or, as a last resort, to the American Association of University Professors, we gave it up, thus establishing another fruitful relationship with public education."

"Quite so," said the President, recovering nicely. "Shall we return to our usual custom of reading from the religion sections of current sex magazines?"

"Yes indeed," chimed in the Professor of the Influence of Early Toilet Training on Church School Behavior, "it is always wise to take advantage of journals using visual aids."

"Do they now have pullouts of the younger theologians in the nude?" asked the Professor of Dead and Irrelevant Languages just before going to sleep.

After the devotional period, it was time to deal with one of the major problems facing the collegium illicitum-a problem which was now introduced by the chairman of the Curriculum Committee, the Professor of the Influence of Early Toilet Training on Church School Behavior. It became obvious years ago that he was the right man for the job when (in a remark now famous in educational circles) he summed up the philosophy of many of his colleagues: "It really doesn't matter what you teach as long as you do it in small groups."

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The question at hand concerned a particularly stubborn student who had decided to master the Bible in the original languages instead of taking advantage of all the rich course offerings in Marxism and sociology at the university. Moreover, this student had failed to satisfy the field education requirements by refusing to participate in demonstrations. The question was: Should he be censored for his narrow-minded bigotry or merely placed under psychiatric observation? Because the Professor of Dead and Irrelevant Languages was asleep, it was voted unanimously to support both measures at the regular faculty meeting next Sunday.

Before any other business could be brought up, the proceedings were interrupted by what appeared to be great belches and other kinds of explosions from the Visiting Professor of Ecumenical Theology. The words "appeared to be" are used advisedly since the professor had never been heard to utter one word of English, and thus no one knew whether his noises were human speech or mere gastric disorders. Usually he made only very subdued sounds while sitting cross-legged in the middle of the floor where he worshipped an especially bright electric light bulb. He was, you see, a polytheistic animist who had come to the seminary highly recommended by one of the more broad-minded missionary societies whose members were usually converted by the culture in which they labored.

The President was simply delighted with his new professor even though the acquisition had proved costly. Not only was it expensive to get the animist out of his native jungle habitat and supply him with a diet of several kinds of lizards, spiders, and snakes, but it was also necessary to hire a full-time attendant; for, according to informed sources, the professor had tried to eat one of the librarians during the first week of school when he had run short of lizards. Yet in the President's mind, the great financial expenditure was far outweighed by the enormous prestige involved. As he put it to the Board of Trustees: "After an examination of several thousand seminary catalogues, some dating back to the Reformation itself, I may conclude without fear of contradiction that ours is the first Protestant seminary to call an animist for one year at full professorial rank."

Although none of the trustees knew what an animist was, they were stunned by the obvious brilliance of the coup. Of course they already knew that the President was a man of broad and catholic tastes. During the visit of a noted Anglican bishop, hadn't he, as a gesture of

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warm ecumenical friendship, offered to celebrate the Feast of the Assumption of Anne Boleyn in the seminary chapel? Surprisingly enough in the President's eyes, the proposal was politely but firmly declined, but now there was the possibility of other exciting but always voluntary worship experiences through the strong (if nonverbal) influence of the Visiting Professor of Ecumenical Theology.

The community had already been treated on the World Day of Prayer to an outdoor service led by the visitor. He spent an entire hour adoring the seminary's pickup truck which had an especially noisy motor. Several students said with great emotion that they had never before attended a service so moving or relevant. (This was probably true.) At any rate, one intense and bearded first-year girl soon announced her conversion to animism after having found (during two days of intensive reading) Barth, Mary Baker Eddy, the Bible, Tillich, Zen, 500 Bonhoeffer commentators, Pannenberg, Moltmann, Teilhard de Chardin, Radical Theology, the Book of Mormon, and Harvey Cox to be wanting and out-of-date. It was a touching experience indeed when she led the students in solemn procession to the chapel in order to place an electric light bulb next to the other holy objects in the crèche-a sugar cube, a phial of Virgin Milk, a mezuzah, a hair from Roger Williams, ghee, a small model of Luther's Wittenberg cloaca, sacred cow-dung, an ouija board, and a statue of Wesley's horse, among other things. The Magi in the chapel manger looked amazingly like Ho, Mao, and Che; and on the wall behind this modernized and relevant Christmas scene were hundreds of icons of gurus and Eugene McCarthy. There were also great spiritual utterances, such as: "Suffer tortures for the two-finger sign of the cross," "Glory to man in the highest," "Om, mani padme, hum," and "Clericis laicos semper infestos esse manifestum est." Above them all stood the seminary motto: "Diversity but the same spirit."

Back at the illegal faculty meeting, relative peace had once more returned. The Visiting Professor of Ecumenical Theology was happily and quietly adoring the wall clock while waiting with his bow and arrow for the return of the cuckoo. His aim was unerring, much to the distress of the Treasurer, who had been forced to add clock repairs to the seminary budget as a major category. He wept openly every time a wooden bird was destroyed even though he knew the seminary could more easily get foundation grants for animism than for any particular kind of Christianity. Moreover, the public rela-

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tions staff was ecstatic over the fact that a once important Protestant denomination was adding an animistic creed to its list of confessions. It was no longer sufficient merely to have a book of confessions. In the modern world it was necessary to have an entire library of creeds in order to affirm all of man's religious feelings and to give expression to the continued activity of the Spirit. Thus, animism, under the title Confessio Dingbeseelung, found itself (as one of the many special guides for Protestants) right next to that old favorite, The Second Helvetic Confession and in close proximity to the Decrees of Trent, The Confession of Dositheus, the Birkhathha-Minim, and Humanae Vitae.

This Protestant receptivity to everything was also reflected in the worship of the seminary. The new service book contained hundreds of liturgies. When it first arrived, the President, in a gust of wild ecumenical enthusiasm, insisted on using it at once. He announced to a stunned community that during the Week of Prayer for Christian Unity he would perform the ceremony of seppuku. He visibly paled when he later discovered that another word for seppuku was harakiri, a ceremonial method of disembowelment.

Chapel had never been more crowded than on the appointed day, nor had the students ever showed a more sincere interest in liturgy. But the President's secretary, although fascinated at the thought of seeing such an interesting ceremony, was terrified at the thought of losing her job. She finally called the police, and the ritual was forbidden.

The students were further disappointed when the Dean and the Department of Religious Education refused their request to perform a Ugaritic fertility rite in the chapel. Since the students were used to getting their own way, only an administration promise to help the students harass the faculty kept peace on the campus.

Just as the collegium illicitum was about to continue with the business at hand, the proceedings were again interrupted-this time by hysterical sobs which came from the Professor of the Superiority of Non-Christian Religions with Special Attention to the Question of Human Sacrifice. He had recently returned from a year's sabbatical leave and was now a perfect example of the "sabbatical syndrome." He had had a complete emotional breakdown for the following reasons: He had listened to lecturers who knew more about human sacrifice than he. Not only that, they lectured better. He could not

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adjust to becoming a student again or to an alien environment or to being away from his mother. Finally, and these are the crucial points, he had only thought of the first three words for the book he had promised to write; and one pitifully small article had been rejected for publication seventeen times. Again and again he recalled what he had written on his application for a leave: "If only I had the time to think and write!" When at last he had almost banished these dreadful words from his mind, he was reminded of them by the Dean. Then he cracked. He now enjoyed faculty meetings but occasionally would weep convulsively and wail, "My book, my book."

This morning's attack was especially severe, for it succeeded in waking up the Professor of Dead and Irrelevant Languages, who, incidentally, was the author of hundreds of volumes. In his rage at being disturbed from an especially pleasant dream about Asherah in some obscure Canaanite dialect, he ended the episode by injecting his slobbering colleague with the remaining procaine.

"We must," said the President, "complete our business. It is getting very light, and soon some of the students will be returning to the dormitory. I now call upon the Professor of the Affirmation of Everything Human to report for the Committee on Scholarships and Fellowships."

"The Affirmation of Everything Human" was the thrilling new name for what used to be called "theology." The professor had chosen the title and perfectly expressed its meaning. He was a genius at exploiting contemporary student moods and thus changed his mind almost daily. Nevertheless, he held each succeeding opinion with the same passionate, charismatic, and temporarily unshakeable faith. His power was so great with the students that no one on the faculty dared oppose him except the Professor of Dead and Irrelevant Languages who, of course, had no students anyway. Recently this most popular of all professors was the victorious champion of a demand by the students that they be allowed to teach half of the seminary courses to the faculty. Even the President supported the move, and not only out of terror. He secretly hoped to weaken and demoralize the faculty even further, but he hadn't counted on the fact that the students would soon put him on academic probation.

The Professor of the Affirmation of Everything Human was so successful with the seminarians that some colleagues even came to him for advice on how to deal with the current student generation.

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One of these was the Professor of Very Old Dogma, who was a complete bore both in and out of the classroom. But after having seen My Fair Lady several hundred times, it slowly dawned upon him that he might be transformed into a brilliant conversationalist and beloved lecturer. The seminary first became aware of a miraculous transubstantiation (in which even the accidents were changed) when he appeared naked in the pulpit to preach on Isaiah 20: 3ff. The title of the sermon was "The Bare Facts." He caught a dreadful cold, but it was worth it since he was noticed for the first time. Not that some relevant Protestant churches were unfamiliar with nudes leaping across the communion table and engaging in other exciting spiritual activities, but it was a first for a professor of dogma.

The next day he appeared in class smoking pot with one hand and waving communist flags with the other while reading a lecture written by the Professor of the Affirmation of Everything Human called "Origen's Understanding of the Gospel; or, the Good Nous." Finally, he began to wear a patch over one good eye and to cover the other with hair. He was continually falling down flights of stairs; but again it was worth it, for the students almost immediately conferred upon him the seminary's distinguished teaching award, a short "trip." They hated him again after a few weeks, but he never forgot his brief but glorious triumph and remained everlastingly grateful to his colleague for arranging it.

The Professor of the Affirmation of Everything Human was just as popular off campus as on. He was especially good with college women since he had aroused their sympathy and maternal instinct by the several cases of malum Franciae he had caught during the love-ins which followed his lectures and teas. Furthermore, he was also widely known in the church at large. Right now he was chairman of a committee for the updating of a particular hymnal. The following gives an indication of the quality and relevance of his work:

"The church's one foundation
Is everything on earth.
We worship the creation.
We hate the Virgin Birth."

Then in accordance with the Protestant tendency to take seriously all traditions except one's own, he was planning to include a modern Roman Catholic piece with a pronounced rhythm called Coitus Interruptus.

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Earlier in his career the professor was even pastor of a small Midwestern church where he had set something of a record by destroying his congregation and polarizing the entire community in two weeks of prophetic preaching. Such talent and commitment could hardly go unrecognized and unrewarded by denominational executives, and soon he was given a position as head of one of the important boards of the church. (In passing, it is interesting to note that the ecclesiastical body to which he belonged was one of several old Protestant denominations which now boasted more clergy than laymen.) He stayed at the board until both it and the denomination went bankrupt, but this was long enough to write a highly significant pamphlet for adult education, entitled, Jesus Hates You, You Middle Class Creep. Then he came to the seminary which was still solvent (thanks to a large endowment from the piety of former generations). He was delighted when he was chosen for the chair of theology, for he knew he would be free to teach anything he liked, use arguments against Christianity which even the educated secular world had given up, and appear profound when he was merely confused.

Now he stood before the faculty as Chairman of the Committee on Scholarships and Fellowships to present the name of Schwaermer Bauernkrieg as the student most worthy to receive the fellowship for graduate study. "Schwaermey, as he is affectionately called, is surely one of the most enthusiastic and revolutionary members of our community," he said.

"The word is 'revolting,' " interrupted the Professor of Dead and irrelevant Languages, but the Professor of Affirmation of Everything Human was not to be deterred.

He continued: "We have never had a student more open to new ideas. Even during his B.D. program he took no courses at all at the seminary but spent all his time at the university studying the history of revolution and guerrilla warfare. He was not about to be strangled by a dead religious tradition. Let me say again that we have never had a student more open to new ideas."

"Or less familiar with old ones," muttered the Professor of Dead and Irrelevant Languages. "You can imagine what he thinks about the Bible."

"I don't like the implications of that last remark," screamed the Professor of Very Old Dogma, rising as usual to the defense of any member of the current student generation. "Schwaermey never

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preaches without mentioning that old story about Jesus beating up people in the Temple. That proves he knows and lives by the Old Testament and Apocrypha."

"John 2: 14ff.," moaned the Professor of Dead and Irrelevant Languages.

"That's just what I said," shrieked the Professor of Very Old Dogma, "the Old Testament and Apocrypha."

"Now, now, gentlemen," said the President ducking to avoid a hail of arrows aimed at the cuckoo and raising his voice above the sobs of "My book, my book," "we must be calm and fair to Mr. Bauernkrieg. Those of us who know him cannot question the sincerity of his messianic self-consciousness. Nor can we question his commitment or the purity of his faith. This is a faith with no props at all, not even facts. He holds to the Christian doctrine of the natural goodness of man against all the evidence, and firmly believes that all will be well once our institutions are destroyed. His dedication is so deep that he supports all radical causes without investigating them. This is Christian existentialism in the best sense of the term, the gut reaction to involvement which we try so hard to teach. Ah, I see by the nodding of heads that we have a consensus concerning Mr. Bauernkrieg."

The consensus, of course, was not quite a matter of unanimity since the Professor of Dead and Irrelevant Languages was shouting what sounded like threats and curses in some obscure tongue. But since no one understood, the President continued: "At our next meeting we shall discuss the recent recommendation of our association of theological schools that theological education should only take place in a rural setting. In the meantime let me thank you for your wise counsel. With faculty and students like ours, I have no doubt about The future of Protestant theological education."

"Nor do I, Mr. President," said the Professor of Dead and Irrelevant Languages.

"Meeting adjourned," replied the President.