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161 - Creation of the Universe: A Modest Proposal |
Creation of the Universe: A Modest Proposal
By Jay M. Pasachoff and Spencer R. Weart
HOPKINS OBSERVATORY
WILLIAMS COLLEGE
WILLIAMSTOWN, MASS. 01267
To: Universal Creation Foundation
REQUEST FOR SUPPLEMENT TO U.C.F. GRANT
#000-00-00000-001
"CREATION OF THE UNIVERSE"
This report is intended only for the internal uses of the contractor.
Period: Present to Last Judgment
Principal Creator: Creator
Proposal Writers and Contract Monitors: Jay M. Pasachoff and Spencer R. Weart
BACKGROUND
Under a previous grant (U.C.F. Grant #000-00-00000-001), the Universe was created. It was expected that this project would have lasting benefits and considerable spinoffs, and this has indeed been the case. Darkness and light, good and evil, and Swiss Army knives were only a few of the useful concepts developed in the course of the Creation. It was estimated that the project would be completed within four days (not including a mandated Day of Rest, with full pay), and the 50% overrun on this estimate is entirely reasonable, given the unusual difficulties encountered. Infinite funding for this project was requested from the Foundation and granted. Unfortunately, this has not proved sufficient. Certain faults in the original creation have become apparent, which it will be necessary to correct by means of miracles. Let it not be said, however, that we are merely correcting past errors; the final state of the Universe, if this supplemental request is granted, will have many useful features not included in the original proposal.
PROGRESS TO DATE
Interim progress reports have already been submitted ("The Bible," "The Koran," "The Handbook of Chemistry and Physics," etc.). The millennial report is currently in preparation, and a variety of publishers for the text (tentatively entitled, "Oh, Genesis!") will be created. The Gideon Society has applied for the distribution rights. Full credit will be given to the Foundation.
Materials for the Universe and for the Creation of Man were created out of the Void at no charge to the grant. A substantial savings was
Jay M. Pasachoff is Director of the Hopkins Observatory of Williams College, and Spencer R. Weart is in the History of Science program at the University of California at Berkeley. Their proposal for universal funding of the creation originally appeared in the June 1973 issue of the Journal of Irreproducible Results and is reprinted here by special permission.
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162 - Creation of the Universe: A Modest Proposal |
generated when it was found that materials for Woman could be created out of Man, since the establishment of Anti-Vivisection Societies was held until Phase Three. Given the limitations of current eschatological technology, it can scarcely be denied that the Contractor has done his work at a most reasonable price.
SUPPLEMENT
We cannot overlook a certain tone of dissatisfaction with the Creation which has been expressed by the Foundation, not to mention by certain of the Created.* Let us state outright that this was to be expected, in view of the completely unprecedented nature of the project. The need for a supplement is to be ascribed solely to inflation (not to be confused with expansion of the Universe, which was anticipated). Union requests for the accrual of Days of Rest at the rate of one additional Day per week per millennium (1 Dw -1 m -1) must also be met. Concerning the problem of Sin, we can assure you that extensive experimentation is under way. Considerable experience is being accumulated and we expect a breakthrough before long. When we are satiated with Sin, we shall go on to consider Universal Peace.
We cannot deny-in view of the cleverness of the Foundation's auditors-that the bulk of the supplemental funds will go to pay off old bills. Nevertheless we do not anticipate the need for future budget requests, barring unforeseen circumstances. If this project is continued successfully, additional Universe-anti-Universe pairs (Universes-Universes ¬) can be created without increasing the baryon number, and we would keep them out of the light cone of the Original. By the simple grant of an additional Infinity of funds ( and note that this proposal is merely for aleph Null) the Officers of the Foundation will be able to present their Board of Directors with the accomplished Creation of one or more successful Universes, instead of the current incomplete one.
We will attempt to minimize the additional delays that may temporarily exist during the changeover from fossil fuels to fusion for some minor locations in the Universe. For the time being, elements with odd masses (hydrogen, lithium, etc.) will be created only on odd days of the month and those with even masses (helium, beryllium, etc.) on the even days, except, of course, for Sundays. The 31st of each month will be devoted to creation of trans-uranic elements. The Universe has been depleted of superbaryons and deuterium; new creation of these will take place only on February 29th in leap years.
PROSPECTIVE BUDGET
Remedial miracles on fish of the sea ∞
Remedial miracles on fowl of the air ∞
Creeping things that creep upon the earth, etc. ∞
*"I cannot but conclude the bulk of your natives to be the most pernicious race of little odious vermin that nature ever suffered to crawl upon the surface of the earth."
-Jonathan Swift.
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163 - Creation of the Universe: A Modest Proposal |
Hydrogen n/c (created)
Heavier elements n/c (nucleosynthesis)
(Note: The carbon will be reclaimed and ecologically recycled)
Mountains (Sinai, Ararat, Palomar) ∞
Extra quasars, neutron stars ∞
Black holes (no-return containers) ∞
Miscellaneous, secretarial, office supplies, etc. ∞
Telephone installation (Princess model, white, one-time charge, tax included)
$16.50
Axiom of choice optional
SALARIES
Creator (1/4 time) at His own expense
Archangels
Gabriel 1 trumpet (Phase 5)
Beelzebub misc. extra brimstone
(low sulfur)
Others assorted halos
Prophets
Moses stone tablets (to
replace breakage)
Geniuses finite
N.B. Due to the Foundation's regulations and changes in Exchange Rates, we have not yet been able to reimburse Euclid (drachmae), Leonardo (lire), Newton (pounds sterling), Descartes (francs), or Joe Namath (dollars). Future geniuses will be remunerated indirectly via the Alfred Nobel Foundation.
Graduate students (2 at 2/5 time) reflected glory
MONITORING EQUIPMENT & MISC.
1 200-inch telescope (maintenance) finite
Misc. other instruments, particle accelerators, etc. large but finite
Travel to meetings ∞
Pollution control equipment +40%
___________
Total ∞ + 40% = ∞
Overhead (114%) ∞
___________
Total funds requested ∞
Starting date requested:
Immediate. Pending receipt of supplemental funds, layoffs are anticipated to reach the 19.5% level in the ranks of angels this quarter.